Calzowned, ICC and You…

icecrowncitadel After an eventful past 6 months we have seen our family grow again with a rebuilding of sorts that has allowed us to continue to be the progression guild we have always been known for.  We are still casual in that we only raid two nights a week, but our efforts are not unnoticed as we have been moving forward since the release of new content.  We made steady progress into Ulduar where we stopped in to visit Yogg Saron and as you can see not exactly the blind date we had in mind. We were told that Yogg would be the girl of our dreams (If Girls Played WoW).  So we passed for now as we had just had lunch and didn’t want the image that Yogg had left in our heads to follow us the rest of the day.  How will we forget the worst blind date ever, I mean it reminds me of the time we caught Doctabrick hitting on that girl in Booty Bay after Brewfest. I mean hey, maybe girl meant (Guy In Real Life), but hey you can always take her home to meet grandma and play with the cat I guess.

Next our journey led us to the northern peaks of Ice Crown where someone thought it would be fun to have a tournament so nerds can rage and ride different kinds of animals all day.  Once there we found ourselves drawn to fight at the promise of getting to see to Val’kyr Twins.  First thing I thought was that the game had finally decided it was time to show a little girl on girl action.  I mean who else didn’t think these twins would be like Swedish twins. But to our dismay these two twins were not interested in having us just watch so we had to slap them around a bit and send them home sadder then we were.  After we had slapped the twins around we were visited by their pimp the Lich King. He goes on to let us in on the fact that someone was stupid enough to build this tourney on top of a WoW Roach motel and now we have to visit the manager.  So as we fall through the floor we see the water below and figure at least the landing will be soft.  That is until Sullanciri decides that Path of Frost would be cool, needless to say it wasn’t. In the words of Chutoi “That will cost you Karma”.  Don’t get me wrong I laughed my ass off, but really if you didn’t at least smile you must be dead.  Wait you all were hahaha.  Ok I am good.  When we finally got up and going again we found out that the manager of this Roach Motel was some guy named Anub’arak.  It took a couple of visits to exterminate this NY sized roach, but once again Calzowned showed that we are masochists who love punishment and we kind of know what we are doing.


We have now lived through the first week of a new patch and have started our journey into ICC.  ICC is like that old house up on the hill you should stay away from and you know it, but you just can’t so we ventured through the front doors unannounced and found out that we are in for a treat.  The fights here finally make it feel like raiding again.  I mean there is a little bit of trash here and there and we have to coordinate the pulls again and that is something we haven’t done in way to long.  Priests can use shackle again and man are pallys going to be OP in here with all this dead walking around.  So yes RuffoBrick will feel huge (when we don’t make him tank) and OMFG can you imaging having to hear Doctabrick say how leet he is in his LawLbringer gear (Because you know he has it in his bags).  Through some hard work and sleepless nights because all you hear in your dreams is “I’m on a spike god damn it, someone kill this thing” and “hahaha, spiked and in the fire, that is great.”  All of which will lead to Nas calling for a wipe and being the only one who was ready to die (unless of course you were DI’d on a GOD DAMN SPIKE) hahaha fun times will be had in here and I’m sure some of them will hurt the pocket book, so you should all feel free to FARM because its easy to make some money and get some gear to help us help you!!!


  • Laok is sad that Locks got nerfed

  • Nas is trying Boomkin (Somewhere God is laughing)

  • My GF thinks that DoctaBrick is a Old Cat Lady

  • Do some daily dungeons for repair gold and badge gear. (Help us, help you)

  • Read forums (Mourn and Sull have some good info about upcoming fights)

  • Congrats to the new Calzowned parents

  • Welcome new recruits and members


Back From The Dead

Seeing as how the last update here was from Black Temple, I think a frontpage update is in order. We’re as usual, plodding along through content, downing ToC25 consistently and easily enough in around 2 hours or less, and we’re starting to venture into Heroic 25 man content. Yogg is still a bit of a thorn in our side, but we’re still planning on yanking that one out in the near future.

Our main needs at the moment are for a few solid dps classes, ones that can reliably and consistently top 4k dps solo, and more so in raids. A healer or two wouldn’t hurt either, a geared resto shaman sure would be nice. Ulduar is for the most part off of our progression list, yogg aside, and gear level past Ulduar will be expected before earning a raid slot. We’re looking for players interesting in progressing at a steady pace, but we’re not hardcore – don’t join if you’re looking for five night a week raiding, you won’t find it here. If this sounds like a good fit to you, hit up our recruitment section in the forums to get in touch with the right people!

Finally, we are all awaiting 3.3 anxiously, and will be ready to start progression immediately upon it’s release. Till then, see you next time.


So quiet!

Yeah, so besides the actual release of Wrath and all the new content to explore, there’s not really much to say is there?  The raid content in Wrath so far has been quite easy.

We’ve had a few ups and downs since Wrath came out, but we’re still plodding along.  

The important thing is that we’re still here and still progressing!  We haven’t downed Sarth3D yet, but so goes.  We are however recruiting players to fill out our ranks as we prepare for Ulduar.  We are especially looking for healers of all flavors, but we are open to all mature, easy going players.

Not quite ready for Wrath?

As a guild, we still have a few goals left before we are ready for Wrath.  We want to see some progression into Sunwell Plateau.  To that end, we need to open up and recruit a little bit.  If you are a solid player who still wants to do some raiding before the expac hits, the please hit us up!  We are open to solid players of all classes!

We are currently still clearing Black Temple, and are beginning work on Sunwell Plateau.  Message Bizzam or Gintora in game for more information!

Dear Mr. Blizzard

Illidan go boom.

Somewhere, deep in the bowels of the Blizzard Entertainment Command Bunker…

Blizzard Employbot #37: I hate to disturb you sir, but he’s back.
BRDE:mg (III): Who is, 37?
37: That mage sir, it’s an email this time.
BRDE:mg (III): Getting me demoted last time wasn’t enough? Pretend we never got it, throw it in the trash bin, 37.
37: I can’t sir, it’s got one of those “notify sender upon receipt” flags set.
BRDE:mg (III): Damn him, he’s thought of everything… <sighs> what is it this time?
37: Uhh, <gulps> well… it starts off with “NYAA NYAA NYAA NYAAAAAAGH NYAGH” and kind of gets worse from there.
BRDE:mg (III): Oh hell <clutches head>, the migraine’s coming back… what did they do this time?
37: Well, Illidan sir…, here, scan down past the, uh, what he calls “metaphoric/virtual pelvic thrusts”, to the part that says…

…my 4 year old son and I have been talking about your lack of ability to stop our guild from progressing past Illidan, the aforementioned being disdainfully surpassed this week. Despite prior attempts to encourage you to do so, you seem insufficient to the task of stopping Calzowned, so it seems more effort from our end is required… As such, please find enclosed a roadmap from my son on blocking our progress; failure to do so will result in future incursions into Sunwell Plateau, and the ongoing disregard (and subsequent metaphoric/virtual pelvic thrusting) concerning the quality and difficulty of content therein.

Dear Mr. Blizzard.

My name is Seth, and my Daddy says you guys need some help, so I watched the mean Calzowned people and made a list of some things you can do to make them stop.

#1 Daddy says the tank people aren’t very smart. He said they get hit in the head a lot, so it’s not really their fault, and that we should learn to like them for who they are. I like they’re not smart because it makes me feel smarter, except Mr. Menoch… he casts spells so he must be smart, but Mr. Bizzam, Mr. Throt, and Mr. Kenja all just stand there looking silly while things hit them, and that doesn’t seem smart. Daddy calls them tanks, and I was thinking that my tanks are all made of metal and stuff, so maybe you could drop some bombs on them, but then I was thinking that you need the bombs to fall from something, and then I thought of wasps. Wasps scare me, so I bet you could make Mr. Bizzam and Mr. Throt run away by flying wasps near them. But not Mr. Kenja ‘cuz he’s a bear, and bears like honey so they’re not afraid of bees, so he’s probably not afraid of wasps either. But maybe if the wasps drop bombs on them they would run away because bomb dropping wasps sure sound scary to me.

#2. My daddy shoots stuff out of his hands, (well her hands which is kind of complicated because he’s a she in world of warcraft but not over here). Sometimes daddy gets mad when a Hopkins makes more numbers than he does, so he yells at the screen which I don’t like. Could you make the Hopkins stop making big numbers so daddy will be happier (he also gets mad at warlocks, and then he says words that mommy says he shouldn’t, and that I’m not going to say until someday when I get mad at warlocks too). I think that the people making the numbers at Mr. Illidan wouldn’t be so bad if the tanks run away, but then I thought, that if someone were throwing numbers at me, I’d probably get so mad I would cry. So maybe Mr. Illidan could cry when the people making the numbers don’t stop (except my daddy, because the numbers make him happy so he plays with me more, but not tickling, because then I have to go to the bathroom. .. He can tickle my sister though).

Mr. Chutoi and Miss Gintora hit things with axes and stuff, and sometimes they hit things too hard, and the things gets mad at them, so maybe you could make Mr. Illidan get mad at them and the other people that hit him with things like Mr. Sajun and Mr. Interfishy-uns. I bet if he got really mad they would stop, and if they didn’t, he could hit them back and I bet it would hurt because he’s bigger than they are. When I’m bad, Mommy makes me go on timeout. I hate timeout, so maybe the best way to make people stop making numbers at Mr. Illidan is to make them go on timeout. On the other hand, Mr. Chutoi seems to make things plenty mad as it is, and then he has to take a nap, so maybe it’s okay the way it is.

#3 Sometimes there are the doctor people that make the other people feel better, except the warcraft people don’t use needles so I like them better. Mr. Celyis was telling a joke before that Mr. Illidan should squash the doctor people first, which wasn’t funny, but I thought maybe it was smarter because Mr. Illidan sure is trying hard to squash the Calzowned people, and the doctor people must make him really frustrated (like my sister when I’m mean and I sit on her). Mr. Blizzard, you should tell Mr. Illidan to get mad at the healer people, but I don’t think he has to get mad at Mr. Taio, because he always makes an angel and then takes a nap anyway.

Mr. Shinook shoots lightning at people, but his lightning makes people feel good. He shoots a lot of the good lightning, so you should squash him first (he doesn’t make angels, but sometimes he just stands back up after he lies down, which is kind of scary).

Mr. Quarantine and some of the other doctor people look like they’re kind of hard to smash though, because they have metal clothing like the tank people, and I bet the bombs wouldn’t scare them like the tanks because they have bubbles that would bounce the bombs away. Yesterday I had oatmeal, and the bowl was really hot, so I had to drop it… I bet if you put them in the Microwave they would have to take their metal clothes off because they would get hot, and then I bet Mr. Quarantine and Mr. Unfaythful and the others would look really silly standing there in just their underwear, and they’d be embarrassed and then run away after the tank people.

#37: Uh… it mostly degenerates into what seems to be a diatribe about ice cream, legos, and train sets after that sir.
BRDE:mg (III): <furiously taking notes> …bomb dropping wasps, time-outs, microwave the plate-wearers, squash healers first… got it…
#37: Sir?
BRDE:mg (III): Set up a meeting with the Raid Planning Committee, 37; tell them we have new and innovative raid encounter concepts to go over with them… oh, and 37?
#37 Yes?
BRDE:mg (III): Send a memo to the Head of External Affairs and tell him they’re going to have to do a lot better than paying off the shadowpriest’s niece to unplug his router next time…

An Ode to P5

(ok, not an ode, in fact, it barely qualifies as writing curse you…)

Why do you have plague us,
With parasites and such,
I’m trying to top some meters here,
This side thing’s just too much.

‘specially Chutoi’s big cow butt,
A bovine behind’s a drag,
He gets half way to Afriel
oh man, he starts to lag!

but don’t worry my infected friends,
we’ve got you all but covered,
uh-oh Afriel just went kasploot,
‘cuz on her Gin had hovered.

And now what is it, oh it’s fire?
Original and new!
Don’t strain yourself you Blizzard folk,
With finding something to…

Burn our tanks and make them run,
in circles they are led,
A fireball just hit Taio’s toe,
oh big surprise, he’s dead.

Well if we’re going to have to wipe,
at least they had the grace,
To smash our tanks with lasers
that were fired from outerspace

But somehow we all stumble
into phase (I think it’s three?)
Oh good, look it’s more parasites,
Did they just hit a tree?

Ah heck, I think it’s Mourninstar,
A check and yep it’s true,
That last log was a disconnect
And now it’s up to you…

…all to run like hell! She’s gonna blow!
And spew bugs all around,
I guess it’s up to mages now,
To freeze them to the ground.

How did we get to this phase 4
I guess we’ll never know.
(it’s like a kind of torture,
to have to watch this show

Hey that’s no Muppet over there
What’s warlock Stertly tanking?
A giant shadow Illidan,
that’s giving him a spanking!

I think it’s time to kick some butt,
hey what the heck, can’t move!
And now a demon heads this way
Uhh.. guys I think that you’ve…

…got to stop him ‘fore he gets here,
or he’ll turn me to a mess,
Why isn’t Hopkins shooting?
(Out of arrows is my guess…)

Now Throt has gone and done it,
what’s that resounding thunk?
He ran too close to Stertly,
Stormrage kicked him in the junk…

But hey, what’s this, thirty percent
surely, this cannot be?
We’ve found ourselves in last phase (five!)
And here I thought that we…

…had gone and wiped ourselves again,
oops, think I spoke too soon,
we tried to use that lousy trap,
and now this stupid goon…

…has squashed our tank, look now he’s free!
I watch my guildmates tumble,
we walked in with a swagger,
but it’s turned into a stumble.

I think that Bizzam jinxed us,
when he made that stupid bet,
but we’ll be back sometime next week,
and beat this bastard yet.

Looking For Group

Somewhere In The Barrens.

(1.General) Illidan: Is this thing on?
(1.General) HairyPotter: Four Weddings and a Murloc…
(1.General) Illidan: LFG – Black Temple – Need Paladin, Mage, Priest, Rogue.
(1.General) Deathzor: Dude, b@#ch’n name!
(1.General) Narutwo: Thanks!
(1.General) Sanitee: Reported for illegal name, enjoy your ban Illidude.
(1.General) Deathzor: Not you nubwipe, him, the Illidan guy.
(1.General) Sanitee: Blizz doesn’t let peeps use char names from the game.
(1.General) Illidan: What? No! this IS my name.
(from Droodad): <—Kil’Jaedan, we should do lunch some time.
(1.General) Palingschwing: BT is a raid instance, not a 5 man u dumb noob
(1.General) Illidan: Fools, I don’t need a raid group, I find myself without my Council of Illidari, as they were destroyed last night.
Droodad moans suggestively at Illidan.
(1.General) HairyPotter: Pulp Murloc…
(from bittlelopeep): Can you run me through WC?
(to bittlelopeep): What? What’s a WC?
(1.General) Pickles: Why are u here, everyone’s like, level 2 or something.
(1.General) Illidan: I asked in trade channel, someone named Stertly suggested I take it to barrens chat
(1.General) Underpantsman: PWNED!
(from bittlelopeep): Ur mean, I like u. Can I have 5g to training?
(1.General) Illidan: What’s the matter with you people, I can make you GODS!
(1.General) HairyPotter: Murlocs of a Lesser God…
(1.General) Pickles: What happened to your last “gods”
(1.General) Illidan: They had, shall we say, a misunderstanding with Calzowned.
(1.General) Fourplay: What’s a Calzowned?
(1.General) Chubblin: It’s an Italian pasta dish, idiot. Lrn2Eat.
(1.General) Illidan: They are a casual raiding guild
(1.General) Pickles: No it’s not, that’s a calzone
(1.General) HairyPotter: Chronicles of Murloc…
(1.General) Chubblin: Casualawl = they SuCk! Lrn2raidnubs.
(1.General) Illidan: They destroyed my Illidari Council, hence the need to recruit a new one.
(1.General) Sanitee: And u came to the barrens to find them?
(1.General) Illidan: …
(1.General) Illidan: You people aren’t level 73 elites!
(1.General) Pickles: ding! winnah!
(1.General) Illidan: STERRRTTLLYYY!!!
(1.General) Illidan: YOU ARE NOT PREPARED!!!
Droodad moans suggestively at Illidan.
(1.General) Sanitee: Capslock is cruise control for cool
(1.General) Underpantsman: Srsly.

Illidari Council Down

Tragedy in Black Temple

Demonic Press
Updated 1 hour, 14 minutes ago.

Black Temple – Shadowmoon Valley

Tragedy struck deep in the heart of Outlands Sunday night when a peaceful evening vigil within Black Temple was shattered by the screams of the dieing.

Witnesses say around two dozen armed militants entered the temple at around 8:50pm Central time, stopping briefly for what could only be described as a picnic, replete with buffet table. 10 minutes later, the group rose and climbed the stairs to the Den of Mortal Delights.

Mother Shahraz DownWhat followed was the stuff of nightmares; said one of the Chamber Courtesans, “It was terrible, these people walked up the stairs, and of course, the Chamberlain rushes to meet them like he’s supposed to. I’ll never forget his surprise when he looks down to discover the shiny one at the front has stabbed him with his sword!”.

Upon seeing their Chamberlain fall, many of the courtesans in the room ran to his aid, and what followed was described by onlookers as “the systematic butchery” of everyone in view.
“I’m not sure what was worse, the casual way they killed my sisters, or the relish they seemed to take in looting the bodies afterwards… it all seemed like some sort of game to them.”

The militants appeared to have some goal in mind, a goal which became all too clear as they hacked a path deep into the Den, towards Mother Sharaz. One of the assistant Chamberlains, when asked for comment, could only weep “Blood, everywhere blood”.

No survivors lived to tell the tale of what happened in that chamber with Mother, but Forensics showed a surprising variety of traumas to the body, including not only cuts and bruises, burns, frostbite, and radiation damage, but what appeared to be bite marks to the ankle area. Latecomers to the scene were aghast to find the group “sitting in front of Mother’s corpse, taking pictures like a Japanese bus tour at Disneyland”.

Asked for comment, Illidan was clearly agitated, “Am I upset? Well, sure… I mean, she was my mum. Well, not REALLY my mum, but you know, in that way she was really everyone’s mum, and then this… it’s all so, you know, senseless really”.

As emergency crews worked through the night to contain the situation, the question had to be asked of the remaining Courtesans, how they would find the strength to go on without Mother’s calming presence.

Said one, “Well, it’ll be a long day and a half, but oh man, I don’t want to be around on Tuesday when she respawns… she’s gonna be pissed”

A Brief Raid Interlude

Somewhere, deep in the bowels of the Blizzard Entertainment Command Bunker…

Blizzard Employee #37: Sir, we have a problem.

Blizzard Raid Development Engineer, middle grade (class II): <Sighs> What is it now, 37?

#37: We’ve received a call from an angry player sir, a mage.

BRDE:mg (II): An angry mage eh, there’s a shocker. Transfer ‘m down to the mage class mental torment R & D division, they’ll take care of it.

#37: Actually sir, he’s calling to complain about his Guild, and the sorry state of our raid encounters… he called us “pansies” sir <cringes away from BRDE:mg(II)>

angry silence falls over the bunker.

BRDE:mg (II): <glares at 37> Pansies?

#37: Uh, yeah. He said his guild keeps beating our encounters… we’re not making them tough enough.

BRDE:mg (II): That’s absurd! He’s absurd! Tell him he’s absurd! His guild is probably a bunch of mountain-dew chugging, hunch-backed toe sweaters who’ve sacrificed everything to the angry raid gods to feed their item ilevel addiction, that doesn’t count!

#37: He, umm…, says they’re a “casual” guild sir. They keep beating our BT bosses the first night they try them .

BRDE:mg (II): Akama doesn’t count, you know what we did with the hopeless incompetent that designed that sorry excuse for a raid boss.

#37: No sir, he said last week it was Bloodboil, and this week it was Reliquary. Just to rub it in, he said they’ll probably go ahead and finish Mother this Sunday because they haven’t really got anything better to do.

BRDE:mg (II): By Archimonde’s pee-stained tighty whities! What the hell is his problem anyway?!?

#37 : He can’t play Wednesdays, sir.

BRDE:mg (II): Can’t. Play. Wednesdays?

#37: No sir. He says that on Tuesdays, they farm all the earlier bosses they’ve done before, then on Wednesdays his guild kills the next new boss. He’s angry because he doesn’t get to participate.

BRDE:mg (II): Doesn’t participate?

#37: He plays twice per week.

BRDE:mg (II): <deflates> Twice per week… what does he think WE can do about this.

#37: Well, for starters, he’s hoping we can turn the difficulty up on Wednesday nights… I believe he said ‘crank her to 11 midweek’, whatever that means; either that, or nerf warlocks, hunters, warriors, and rogues.

BRDE:mg (II): <knowing smile spreads across his face> AHA! Beneath it all, I taste the sweet tang of mage qq tears! 37, patch through to the mage class mental torment R & D division, tell them we’ve got a live one for them.

BRDE:mg (II): Oh, and #37, let’s see if we can’t slow these guys down some… <sinister chuckle>. Call double agent Chutoi and make sure he’s available on Wednesday nights, that should take care of “progression” for a while…

We suffered at first, but we had the desire… then we got ANGRY!

Reliquary of SoulsBrought to you via Stertly…

The floating head is no more. Tonight Calzowned vanquished the three face horror known as the Reliquary of Souls. On our first night of attempts we got our feet wet learning the fight through all three phases. We might have taken 6 warlocks, but the timely addition of two shadow priests and taming the wild stallion Sajun were pivotal.

Phase one was learned quickly, and we determined our rogues can be very squishy but with a few tricks up their sleeves they pulled some magic out and learned to live. The feral druid experiment… well, it didn’t last so long. Sorry bud.

Phase two was the breaking point for the raid. If only somehow we could manage to defeat this race against the shrinking mana pool. The raid was tweaked and altered to death. From having six paladins to have two. People graciously switched and sat out to benefit the guilds needs. For this, we thank you. You got us to phase three.

Phase three only took two attempts. We did what we do best. Burn faster and brighter then go out with a bang! Well, Menoch went out with a bang. Either way, we have now killed six bosses in Black Temple.

Time to go pay Mother a visit and deliver justice for all the times she took our “darned vidya games” away.