Dear Mr. Blizzard

Illidan go boom.

Somewhere, deep in the bowels of the Blizzard Entertainment Command Bunker…

Blizzard Employbot #37: I hate to disturb you sir, but he’s back.
BRDE:mg (III): Who is, 37?
37: That mage sir, it’s an email this time.
BRDE:mg (III): Getting me demoted last time wasn’t enough? Pretend we never got it, throw it in the trash bin, 37.
37: I can’t sir, it’s got one of those “notify sender upon receipt” flags set.
BRDE:mg (III): Damn him, he’s thought of everything… <sighs> what is it this time?
37: Uhh, <gulps> well… it starts off with “NYAA NYAA NYAA NYAAAAAAGH NYAGH” and kind of gets worse from there.
BRDE:mg (III): Oh hell <clutches head>, the migraine’s coming back… what did they do this time?
37: Well, Illidan sir…, here, scan down past the, uh, what he calls “metaphoric/virtual pelvic thrusts”, to the part that says…

…my 4 year old son and I have been talking about your lack of ability to stop our guild from progressing past Illidan, the aforementioned being disdainfully surpassed this week. Despite prior attempts to encourage you to do so, you seem insufficient to the task of stopping Calzowned, so it seems more effort from our end is required… As such, please find enclosed a roadmap from my son on blocking our progress; failure to do so will result in future incursions into Sunwell Plateau, and the ongoing disregard (and subsequent metaphoric/virtual pelvic thrusting) concerning the quality and difficulty of content therein.

Dear Mr. Blizzard.

My name is Seth, and my Daddy says you guys need some help, so I watched the mean Calzowned people and made a list of some things you can do to make them stop.

#1 Daddy says the tank people aren’t very smart. He said they get hit in the head a lot, so it’s not really their fault, and that we should learn to like them for who they are. I like they’re not smart because it makes me feel smarter, except Mr. Menoch… he casts spells so he must be smart, but Mr. Bizzam, Mr. Throt, and Mr. Kenja all just stand there looking silly while things hit them, and that doesn’t seem smart. Daddy calls them tanks, and I was thinking that my tanks are all made of metal and stuff, so maybe you could drop some bombs on them, but then I was thinking that you need the bombs to fall from something, and then I thought of wasps. Wasps scare me, so I bet you could make Mr. Bizzam and Mr. Throt run away by flying wasps near them. But not Mr. Kenja ‘cuz he’s a bear, and bears like honey so they’re not afraid of bees, so he’s probably not afraid of wasps either. But maybe if the wasps drop bombs on them they would run away because bomb dropping wasps sure sound scary to me.

#2. My daddy shoots stuff out of his hands, (well her hands which is kind of complicated because he’s a she in world of warcraft but not over here). Sometimes daddy gets mad when a Hopkins makes more numbers than he does, so he yells at the screen which I don’t like. Could you make the Hopkins stop making big numbers so daddy will be happier (he also gets mad at warlocks, and then he says words that mommy says he shouldn’t, and that I’m not going to say until someday when I get mad at warlocks too). I think that the people making the numbers at Mr. Illidan wouldn’t be so bad if the tanks run away, but then I thought, that if someone were throwing numbers at me, I’d probably get so mad I would cry. So maybe Mr. Illidan could cry when the people making the numbers don’t stop (except my daddy, because the numbers make him happy so he plays with me more, but not tickling, because then I have to go to the bathroom. .. He can tickle my sister though).

Mr. Chutoi and Miss Gintora hit things with axes and stuff, and sometimes they hit things too hard, and the things gets mad at them, so maybe you could make Mr. Illidan get mad at them and the other people that hit him with things like Mr. Sajun and Mr. Interfishy-uns. I bet if he got really mad they would stop, and if they didn’t, he could hit them back and I bet it would hurt because he’s bigger than they are. When I’m bad, Mommy makes me go on timeout. I hate timeout, so maybe the best way to make people stop making numbers at Mr. Illidan is to make them go on timeout. On the other hand, Mr. Chutoi seems to make things plenty mad as it is, and then he has to take a nap, so maybe it’s okay the way it is.

#3 Sometimes there are the doctor people that make the other people feel better, except the warcraft people don’t use needles so I like them better. Mr. Celyis was telling a joke before that Mr. Illidan should squash the doctor people first, which wasn’t funny, but I thought maybe it was smarter because Mr. Illidan sure is trying hard to squash the Calzowned people, and the doctor people must make him really frustrated (like my sister when I’m mean and I sit on her). Mr. Blizzard, you should tell Mr. Illidan to get mad at the healer people, but I don’t think he has to get mad at Mr. Taio, because he always makes an angel and then takes a nap anyway.

Mr. Shinook shoots lightning at people, but his lightning makes people feel good. He shoots a lot of the good lightning, so you should squash him first (he doesn’t make angels, but sometimes he just stands back up after he lies down, which is kind of scary).

Mr. Quarantine and some of the other doctor people look like they’re kind of hard to smash though, because they have metal clothing like the tank people, and I bet the bombs wouldn’t scare them like the tanks because they have bubbles that would bounce the bombs away. Yesterday I had oatmeal, and the bowl was really hot, so I had to drop it… I bet if you put them in the Microwave they would have to take their metal clothes off because they would get hot, and then I bet Mr. Quarantine and Mr. Unfaythful and the others would look really silly standing there in just their underwear, and they’d be embarrassed and then run away after the tank people.

#37: Uh… it mostly degenerates into what seems to be a diatribe about ice cream, legos, and train sets after that sir.
BRDE:mg (III): <furiously taking notes> …bomb dropping wasps, time-outs, microwave the plate-wearers, squash healers first… got it…
#37: Sir?
BRDE:mg (III): Set up a meeting with the Raid Planning Committee, 37; tell them we have new and innovative raid encounter concepts to go over with them… oh, and 37?
#37 Yes?
BRDE:mg (III): Send a memo to the Head of External Affairs and tell him they’re going to have to do a lot better than paying off the shadowpriest’s niece to unplug his router next time…

An Ode to P5

(ok, not an ode, in fact, it barely qualifies as writing curse you…)

Why do you have plague us,
With parasites and such,
I’m trying to top some meters here,
This side thing’s just too much.

‘specially Chutoi’s big cow butt,
A bovine behind’s a drag,
He gets half way to Afriel
oh man, he starts to lag!

but don’t worry my infected friends,
we’ve got you all but covered,
uh-oh Afriel just went kasploot,
‘cuz on her Gin had hovered.

And now what is it, oh it’s fire?
Original and new!
Don’t strain yourself you Blizzard folk,
With finding something to…

Burn our tanks and make them run,
in circles they are led,
A fireball just hit Taio’s toe,
oh big surprise, he’s dead.

Well if we’re going to have to wipe,
at least they had the grace,
To smash our tanks with lasers
that were fired from outerspace

But somehow we all stumble
into phase (I think it’s three?)
Oh good, look it’s more parasites,
Did they just hit a tree?

Ah heck, I think it’s Mourninstar,
A check and yep it’s true,
That last log was a disconnect
And now it’s up to you…

…all to run like hell! She’s gonna blow!
And spew bugs all around,
I guess it’s up to mages now,
To freeze them to the ground.

How did we get to this phase 4
I guess we’ll never know.
(it’s like a kind of torture,
to have to watch this show

Hey that’s no Muppet over there
What’s warlock Stertly tanking?
A giant shadow Illidan,
that’s giving him a spanking!

I think it’s time to kick some butt,
hey what the heck, can’t move!
And now a demon heads this way
Uhh.. guys I think that you’ve…

…got to stop him ‘fore he gets here,
or he’ll turn me to a mess,
Why isn’t Hopkins shooting?
(Out of arrows is my guess…)

Now Throt has gone and done it,
what’s that resounding thunk?
He ran too close to Stertly,
Stormrage kicked him in the junk…

But hey, what’s this, thirty percent
surely, this cannot be?
We’ve found ourselves in last phase (five!)
And here I thought that we…

…had gone and wiped ourselves again,
oops, think I spoke too soon,
we tried to use that lousy trap,
and now this stupid goon…

…has squashed our tank, look now he’s free!
I watch my guildmates tumble,
we walked in with a swagger,
but it’s turned into a stumble.

I think that Bizzam jinxed us,
when he made that stupid bet,
but we’ll be back sometime next week,
and beat this bastard yet.