Category Archives: Firsts

Dear Mr. Blizzard

Illidan go boom.

Somewhere, deep in the bowels of the Blizzard Entertainment Command Bunker…

Blizzard Employbot #37: I hate to disturb you sir, but he’s back.
BRDE:mg (III): Who is, 37?
37: That mage sir, it’s an email this time.
BRDE:mg (III): Getting me demoted last time wasn’t enough? Pretend we never got it, throw it in the trash bin, 37.
37: I can’t sir, it’s got one of those “notify sender upon receipt” flags set.
BRDE:mg (III): Damn him, he’s thought of everything… <sighs> what is it this time?
37: Uhh, <gulps> well… it starts off with “NYAA NYAA NYAA NYAAAAAAGH NYAGH” and kind of gets worse from there.
BRDE:mg (III): Oh hell <clutches head>, the migraine’s coming back… what did they do this time?
37: Well, Illidan sir…, here, scan down past the, uh, what he calls “metaphoric/virtual pelvic thrusts”, to the part that says…

…my 4 year old son and I have been talking about your lack of ability to stop our guild from progressing past Illidan, the aforementioned being disdainfully surpassed this week. Despite prior attempts to encourage you to do so, you seem insufficient to the task of stopping Calzowned, so it seems more effort from our end is required… As such, please find enclosed a roadmap from my son on blocking our progress; failure to do so will result in future incursions into Sunwell Plateau, and the ongoing disregard (and subsequent metaphoric/virtual pelvic thrusting) concerning the quality and difficulty of content therein.

Dear Mr. Blizzard.

My name is Seth, and my Daddy says you guys need some help, so I watched the mean Calzowned people and made a list of some things you can do to make them stop.

#1 Daddy says the tank people aren’t very smart. He said they get hit in the head a lot, so it’s not really their fault, and that we should learn to like them for who they are. I like they’re not smart because it makes me feel smarter, except Mr. Menoch… he casts spells so he must be smart, but Mr. Bizzam, Mr. Throt, and Mr. Kenja all just stand there looking silly while things hit them, and that doesn’t seem smart. Daddy calls them tanks, and I was thinking that my tanks are all made of metal and stuff, so maybe you could drop some bombs on them, but then I was thinking that you need the bombs to fall from something, and then I thought of wasps. Wasps scare me, so I bet you could make Mr. Bizzam and Mr. Throt run away by flying wasps near them. But not Mr. Kenja ‘cuz he’s a bear, and bears like honey so they’re not afraid of bees, so he’s probably not afraid of wasps either. But maybe if the wasps drop bombs on them they would run away because bomb dropping wasps sure sound scary to me.

#2. My daddy shoots stuff out of his hands, (well her hands which is kind of complicated because he’s a she in world of warcraft but not over here). Sometimes daddy gets mad when a Hopkins makes more numbers than he does, so he yells at the screen which I don’t like. Could you make the Hopkins stop making big numbers so daddy will be happier (he also gets mad at warlocks, and then he says words that mommy says he shouldn’t, and that I’m not going to say until someday when I get mad at warlocks too). I think that the people making the numbers at Mr. Illidan wouldn’t be so bad if the tanks run away, but then I thought, that if someone were throwing numbers at me, I’d probably get so mad I would cry. So maybe Mr. Illidan could cry when the people making the numbers don’t stop (except my daddy, because the numbers make him happy so he plays with me more, but not tickling, because then I have to go to the bathroom. .. He can tickle my sister though).

Mr. Chutoi and Miss Gintora hit things with axes and stuff, and sometimes they hit things too hard, and the things gets mad at them, so maybe you could make Mr. Illidan get mad at them and the other people that hit him with things like Mr. Sajun and Mr. Interfishy-uns. I bet if he got really mad they would stop, and if they didn’t, he could hit them back and I bet it would hurt because he’s bigger than they are. When I’m bad, Mommy makes me go on timeout. I hate timeout, so maybe the best way to make people stop making numbers at Mr. Illidan is to make them go on timeout. On the other hand, Mr. Chutoi seems to make things plenty mad as it is, and then he has to take a nap, so maybe it’s okay the way it is.

#3 Sometimes there are the doctor people that make the other people feel better, except the warcraft people don’t use needles so I like them better. Mr. Celyis was telling a joke before that Mr. Illidan should squash the doctor people first, which wasn’t funny, but I thought maybe it was smarter because Mr. Illidan sure is trying hard to squash the Calzowned people, and the doctor people must make him really frustrated (like my sister when I’m mean and I sit on her). Mr. Blizzard, you should tell Mr. Illidan to get mad at the healer people, but I don’t think he has to get mad at Mr. Taio, because he always makes an angel and then takes a nap anyway.

Mr. Shinook shoots lightning at people, but his lightning makes people feel good. He shoots a lot of the good lightning, so you should squash him first (he doesn’t make angels, but sometimes he just stands back up after he lies down, which is kind of scary).

Mr. Quarantine and some of the other doctor people look like they’re kind of hard to smash though, because they have metal clothing like the tank people, and I bet the bombs wouldn’t scare them like the tanks because they have bubbles that would bounce the bombs away. Yesterday I had oatmeal, and the bowl was really hot, so I had to drop it… I bet if you put them in the Microwave they would have to take their metal clothes off because they would get hot, and then I bet Mr. Quarantine and Mr. Unfaythful and the others would look really silly standing there in just their underwear, and they’d be embarrassed and then run away after the tank people.

#37: Uh… it mostly degenerates into what seems to be a diatribe about ice cream, legos, and train sets after that sir.
BRDE:mg (III): <furiously taking notes> …bomb dropping wasps, time-outs, microwave the plate-wearers, squash healers first… got it…
#37: Sir?
BRDE:mg (III): Set up a meeting with the Raid Planning Committee, 37; tell them we have new and innovative raid encounter concepts to go over with them… oh, and 37?
#37 Yes?
BRDE:mg (III): Send a memo to the Head of External Affairs and tell him they’re going to have to do a lot better than paying off the shadowpriest’s niece to unplug his router next time…

Looking For Group

Somewhere In The Barrens.

(1.General) Illidan: Is this thing on?
(1.General) HairyPotter: Four Weddings and a Murloc…
(1.General) Illidan: LFG – Black Temple – Need Paladin, Mage, Priest, Rogue.
(1.General) Deathzor: Dude, b@#ch’n name!
(1.General) Narutwo: Thanks!
(1.General) Sanitee: Reported for illegal name, enjoy your ban Illidude.
(1.General) Deathzor: Not you nubwipe, him, the Illidan guy.
(1.General) Sanitee: Blizz doesn’t let peeps use char names from the game.
(1.General) Illidan: What? No! this IS my name.
(from Droodad): <—Kil’Jaedan, we should do lunch some time.
(1.General) Palingschwing: BT is a raid instance, not a 5 man u dumb noob
(1.General) Illidan: Fools, I don’t need a raid group, I find myself without my Council of Illidari, as they were destroyed last night.
Droodad moans suggestively at Illidan.
(1.General) HairyPotter: Pulp Murloc…
(from bittlelopeep): Can you run me through WC?
(to bittlelopeep): What? What’s a WC?
(1.General) Pickles: Why are u here, everyone’s like, level 2 or something.
(1.General) Illidan: I asked in trade channel, someone named Stertly suggested I take it to barrens chat
(1.General) Underpantsman: PWNED!
(from bittlelopeep): Ur mean, I like u. Can I have 5g to training?
(1.General) Illidan: What’s the matter with you people, I can make you GODS!
(1.General) HairyPotter: Murlocs of a Lesser God…
(1.General) Pickles: What happened to your last “gods”
(1.General) Illidan: They had, shall we say, a misunderstanding with Calzowned.
(1.General) Fourplay: What’s a Calzowned?
(1.General) Chubblin: It’s an Italian pasta dish, idiot. Lrn2Eat.
(1.General) Illidan: They are a casual raiding guild
(1.General) Pickles: No it’s not, that’s a calzone
(1.General) HairyPotter: Chronicles of Murloc…
(1.General) Chubblin: Casualawl = they SuCk! Lrn2raidnubs.
(1.General) Illidan: They destroyed my Illidari Council, hence the need to recruit a new one.
(1.General) Sanitee: And u came to the barrens to find them?
(1.General) Illidan: …
(1.General) Illidan: You people aren’t level 73 elites!
(1.General) Pickles: ding! winnah!
(1.General) Illidan: STERRRTTLLYYY!!!
(1.General) Illidan: YOU ARE NOT PREPARED!!!
Droodad moans suggestively at Illidan.
(1.General) Sanitee: Capslock is cruise control for cool
(1.General) Underpantsman: Srsly.

Illidari Council Down

Tragedy in Black Temple

Demonic Press
Updated 1 hour, 14 minutes ago.

Black Temple – Shadowmoon Valley

Tragedy struck deep in the heart of Outlands Sunday night when a peaceful evening vigil within Black Temple was shattered by the screams of the dieing.

Witnesses say around two dozen armed militants entered the temple at around 8:50pm Central time, stopping briefly for what could only be described as a picnic, replete with buffet table. 10 minutes later, the group rose and climbed the stairs to the Den of Mortal Delights.

Mother Shahraz DownWhat followed was the stuff of nightmares; said one of the Chamber Courtesans, “It was terrible, these people walked up the stairs, and of course, the Chamberlain rushes to meet them like he’s supposed to. I’ll never forget his surprise when he looks down to discover the shiny one at the front has stabbed him with his sword!”.

Upon seeing their Chamberlain fall, many of the courtesans in the room ran to his aid, and what followed was described by onlookers as “the systematic butchery” of everyone in view.
“I’m not sure what was worse, the casual way they killed my sisters, or the relish they seemed to take in looting the bodies afterwards… it all seemed like some sort of game to them.”

The militants appeared to have some goal in mind, a goal which became all too clear as they hacked a path deep into the Den, towards Mother Sharaz. One of the assistant Chamberlains, when asked for comment, could only weep “Blood, everywhere blood”.

No survivors lived to tell the tale of what happened in that chamber with Mother, but Forensics showed a surprising variety of traumas to the body, including not only cuts and bruises, burns, frostbite, and radiation damage, but what appeared to be bite marks to the ankle area. Latecomers to the scene were aghast to find the group “sitting in front of Mother’s corpse, taking pictures like a Japanese bus tour at Disneyland”.

Asked for comment, Illidan was clearly agitated, “Am I upset? Well, sure… I mean, she was my mum. Well, not REALLY my mum, but you know, in that way she was really everyone’s mum, and then this… it’s all so, you know, senseless really”.

As emergency crews worked through the night to contain the situation, the question had to be asked of the remaining Courtesans, how they would find the strength to go on without Mother’s calming presence.

Said one, “Well, it’ll be a long day and a half, but oh man, I don’t want to be around on Tuesday when she respawns… she’s gonna be pissed”

We suffered at first, but we had the desire… then we got ANGRY!

Reliquary of SoulsBrought to you via Stertly…

The floating head is no more. Tonight Calzowned vanquished the three face horror known as the Reliquary of Souls. On our first night of attempts we got our feet wet learning the fight through all three phases. We might have taken 6 warlocks, but the timely addition of two shadow priests and taming the wild stallion Sajun were pivotal.

Phase one was learned quickly, and we determined our rogues can be very squishy but with a few tricks up their sleeves they pulled some magic out and learned to live. The feral druid experiment… well, it didn’t last so long. Sorry bud.

Phase two was the breaking point for the raid. If only somehow we could manage to defeat this race against the shrinking mana pool. The raid was tweaked and altered to death. From having six paladins to have two. People graciously switched and sat out to benefit the guilds needs. For this, we thank you. You got us to phase three.

Phase three only took two attempts. We did what we do best. Burn faster and brighter then go out with a bang! Well, Menoch went out with a bang. Either way, we have now killed six bosses in Black Temple.

Time to go pay Mother a visit and deliver justice for all the times she took our “darned vidya games” away.

More than one way to skin a Cat

Archipwned Archimonde down.


This one felt good. Really, really good.

It took our fair share of nights to get Archimonde to finally drop for us. Lots of simmering frustration and lip biting… concerns about whether we’d manage it or not. This one was different from Gorefiend though, in that there didn’t seem to be a way for everyone to “learn” the fight sufficiently to beat it… it just seemed like no matter what we did, fire would slash through the melee group like the sword of Zorro… I swear it would come from every direction at once, and we’d suddenly have half a dozen people with doomfire.

But everyone kept their cool.

Each guild has it’s own strategy for beating him… for us, it was bringing 11 healers. We’d gotten really good at using the tears, and nobody was cratering… our healers were kicking butt on the main tank heals, and Throt makes stance dancing the fears look effortless, and yet, we just couldn’t seem to get past the fires.

So for us, the solution was more healing. Not sure we’re quite ready to proclaim him as being on farm status, but this was probably the most gratifying kill yet for everyone, if the cheers in Vent were to be measured from boss to boss. Knowing what we know now should make future attempts more feasible for us.

Sadly, Bizz was missing for Father’s day, while the rest of us less adequate parental types skipped out to raid Hyjal.
Maybe next time Bizz.

Awesome job, guys!

Ghost of a Chance.

Teron Gorefiend down, Archimonde teetering.

It’s funny how sometimes the best strategy is just to walk away. After a brief break from progression raids, we came back and dropped Gorefiend on our second serious attempt, which left plenty of time to go back and visit Archimonde.

Even with several new people, we had our best night on the Hyjal boss, with 3 of 11 tries seeing Archi in the low 30’s. In fact, across the board, Sunday night’s attempts were solid, with only a few being early jumps into the fire for a quick rebuff and go (including 1 in which the MT got hit by no less than 3 seperate doomfire trails at the same time… go go random number generator).

Fortunately for us, at no point did anyone with a curse die while standing beside a mage with a perfectly functional decursing set up on his raid bars.


That’s my story… I’m sticking with it.

(Stertly stepped into doomfire or something).

Is it getting hot in here?

Azgalor Down. Archimonde on deck.

What is it with Blizz, and standing in fire? I suppose it’s one way to tell if people are asleep at the wheel or not. Tonight we got our first real shots at Azgalor and it really felt like the night was on cruise control; we were finishing all the waves early, and dropped him on the second attempt. We would’ve probably one shotted him except for a certain someone who didn’t get to Thrall quite as quickly as they expected Blink would get them there… well… ahem… yes, let’s move on (nothing to see here).

Archimonde is a whole other matter.

It’s pretty clear this guy is going to be the biggest test of guild patience and perseverance we’ve faced. I don’t remember another fight where you can so clearly point the finger of absolute undeniable blame at an individual for causing a wipe… it’s really a rather cruel joke on Blizz’s part. We’ve read that this is really a test of individual skill, but more than anything it feels like it’s more of a test of guild unity. You’re going to wipe, and it’s going to be someone’s fault.

Regardless, I blame Bizzam, seeing as how he was off living the life of a high roller in Vegas while the rest of us learned how to play “guess how much lag you have before you splat into the ground”, or at least those of us who don’t have “Blink” (suckers!).

(oh, wait… raid wipe, right. Please press the Shiny Red Button at the right time, everyone).

We’ll be back to roll them bones a few more times Archi. You wait and see.

Free Epics for All!

It was the easiest night of raiding ever.

I didn’t use a single mana pot, healthstone, mana gem… (I did hit iceblock by accident once), the night flew by in a haze of mindless sweet oblivion.

Of course, I was at the auction house… the screams of the damned and dying over Vent and Guildchat said otherwise as the rest of the guild threw themselves at Naj’entus, Supremus, and Akama.

Or at least that’s what I wanted to hear… that I was somehow desperately needed to rush in there and save the day. Sadly, it turns out the buggers went and two-shotted everything, so apparently we have some pretty good players in the guild. (Not all of them mind you).

(HA! See what I did there? Now you’re wondering, “Am I one of the good ones, or the not so good ones?” I jest… You’re all good. (Maybe)   …(not Hopkins)).

With Supremus and Akama falling last night, that makes 6 new bosses down in 4 nights of raiding, which I’d like to think is pretty good for a casual guild that tries to raid only 2 nights per week (working on that third night now, much to the dismay of significant others everywhere).

Of course, we’re running out of punks to fight, and will have to start getting serious… with a little luck maybe tonight we can get a sneak peak at Archimonde and the russian roulette that is the Archimonde dance.

Black Temple… where are the sacrificial virgins?

Najentus down (Apparently they’re celebrating their 28th birthday in Portland .)

With last week’s foray into Mount Hyjal resulting in 3 new notches in our metaphoric swords, we turned our attention this week to Black Temple.

What a dump! The pinnacle of WoW’s instance library feels like a perverse, twisted version of Molten Core, only with 900% more camera and “stuck in a crack” annoyance factor. Having said that, the intrepid (and cowardly, let’s not forget the cowardly) explorers sloshed through the slime, setting their target on Naj’entus.

Nothing quite shows one’s affection for a guildmate like pulling a giant spine out of their forehead…
I think there’s a sort of perverse pleasure in watching Throt run in to tank a mob and get instagibbed from lack of healing… although in this case it looks like the culprit may have been a miscount on the number of healers we brought with us as opposed to the usual more sinister agenda.

In the frenzy of culling our figurative (and literal!) horde down to the requisite 25, we apparently didn’t realize that only 7 of those were of the healing persuasion. 8 wipes before we successfully popped bubble-boys bubble permanently will teach us to use more than one hand to count our healers next time. In all fairness to the healers, the 7 of them DID manage to get us to sub 10% on Naj several times, so kudos where kudos are deserved.

While it was getting a little late, we were feeling bloodthirsty (is there any other way for horde to feel?), and being a mere 20 minutes from our first encounter with Supremus, we couldn’t resist the lure of free epics (after all, everyone says he’s a pushover, right)?

Well, apparently everyone who DIDN’T think he’s a pushover had less than 21,000 hp and is lying in a shallow grave somewhere, as we were left scratching our heads as to why he kept turning and instagibbing the melee dps. We eventually figured out his nasty trick with the double hateful bolts in under a second.

Sadly, this revelation came about 10 minutes AFTER we called the raid as it was getting late, but hey, Supremus? (is that a Taco Bell special?), we know your naughty secret, and we’ll be back this week.

Mount Hyjal, and not a Sherpa in sight…

First of, credit to where it’s due, this update is brought to you by Eanne. No screenshots available, as I was slacking last night…but we may add some later!

The night didn’t start out well.

A certain rogue (name withheld so he can live with his shame privately), while clicking through Jaina’s dialog in a vain attempt to leave the instance, sent the guild scrambling ignominiously into the hills for their life when the event was started with only half the raid in the zone.

After Jaina picked herself up from a quick dirtnap, Calzowned’s first foray into Mount Hyjal went much more smoothly… Like an 800 lb gorilla, the group brute forced down the first 8 waves of trash on its first attempt, putting Rage Winterchill back in the ground where he belongs; a rousing round of cheers rang out when it was discovered that no one important had died.

Anetheron was next to the plate, and schooled the raid in the gentle art of boss management when it was discovered that he could do damage. To lots of people. At the same time. (Cheater).

A second attempt proved more productive, despite the plaintive cries of the mages to move the boss just two steps closer to Jaina falling upon the callously deaf ears of main tank Bizzam, who laughed in disdain at the obvious ploy for more mana. We’re pretty certain the mages would have done over 1 MILLION dps if he had just listened thanks to the recent spirit/mana regen changes, but, well… tanks are usually about as smart as stumps.

We think it comes from getting repeatedly hit on the head by large metallic things.

Being horde, we all had a good laugh as Jaina’s town was overrun in the sequence following Anetheron’s demise, and with spirits soaring to match our climb to the horde outpost atop the mountain, we made ready to send Kazrogal to join his bretheren.

Our second attempt at Kaz became the classic snails paced dps race, as dwindling dps collided head on with dwindling boss health and crashed to a halt at a meager 5% health left. Unfortunately, Chutoi’s mom said it was getting too late, so he took his ball home with him, effectively ending the raid for the night. We’re pretty sure his needing to sleep was a lie, as everyone knows that lawyers are soulless, blood sucking vampires… and at his age, we’re not sure he could even find his bed regardless.

All said, a pretty good first night into Mount Hyjal, and we look forward to the next two bosses later this week.