Having found some new members and having had some old members return Calzowned has packed their bags for a much needed trip to ICC.  Upon arriving they quickly browsed the main entrance stopping shortly to visit with Lord Marrow and Lady Death before heading up the lift where they would board the Zeppelin for a nice Sunday float above Ice Crown.  While lounging around enjoying some Mammoth rides courtesy of Sull, the were involved in an unpleasant accident with some Alliance show boaters.  Rather than just let things be, we showed them why we keep a rocket pact next to the driver seat.  After handling the situation maturely (shooting their ship out of the air)  we headed in the balcony door where we were welcomed by DB Saurfang and his lovely beasts.  After a short family squabble we headed inside to visit the rest of the household.  Once inside we played with Precious and Stinky (someone needs a bath) before heading to see Festergut and Rotface.  I was like really who names their kids like that and then we saw these lovely beasts, I mean boys, I mean WoW you have a face only a Doctor could love.  Speaking of which have you met Doctabrick?  He is single, lives in a home for the gifted, but only 1 week at a time, other than that he is staying at his grandma’s.  I can hook you guys up, but psssst.  he likes cats so the dogs might have to go.   Anyways this is where our trip pauses but only for a short time…

If you pew pew from a far and are born before 1990 then maybe we are a match. Calzowned is looking for Locks, Mages and Healers. If this is you, please continue on and check out our recruitment forums for a possible match made in Northrend.

We dont have 200 questions for you to answer like some other match making services, but we do have a couple and if you answer them well, we will try and get you matched to a great guild where you can make some new friendships and explore new content as we move through ICC together.
Looking forward to hearing from you and seeing you on the forums.

We have now moved past Saurfang into ICC and have started our courting of the lovely Festergut and Rotface. let me tell you this, there don’t seem to attractive, but lets face it after a couple of beers we have all done worse right Nas? haha. Anyways. we hope to attempt a couple of new strats on these 2 thanks to our Aussie friend Jes and her ideas (not that they are backwards, you need to remeber that the toilets flush the other way down there.)

Also Recruiting is still open, please feel free to look and see what we need (Everything that isnt melee lol) j/k if you are a warm body with a friendly soul and can get along well with others then check us out.

Now that holidays are over and R/L is on the back burner again it’s time to look at getting another kick at the ICC can.  Over the holidays many of us turned to downing the 10 man versions and were very successful and some of us even set new person records of whoreish deeds by becoming Exhalted with the Ashen Verdict already and that’s cool *Cough WHORE Cough*.  Now we have moved our 25 mans back into ICC and having downed Lord Marrowgar where it was brought to our attention that “yes he does have a pelvis”.  These things are a very necessary part of raiding content and the mechanics for such need to be worked out (hahaha).

Next up for Calzowned is Lady Death and with raid turnout improving and the masses (Brick) searching for ways to make our lives easier so that Nas doesn’t in his words “put his head through a wall”.  Be sure to check the forums and don’t be afraid to read up on the upcoming encounters.  Just because your GS says 5k doesn’t mean you can heal, dps or tank.  GS doesn’t fix stupid so help yourself and run some instances on your own.  Lady Death is another fight that will require us as a whole to work together and down her.  If we take the time and turn down the suck we will soon be moving on to Bear Ass Rockets and the fun that is the Gun Ship. (Formally accepting bets on who is the first tard to fly off the ship when we get there).

RECRUITMENT

Calzowned is still in the process of recruiting so in a post on the forums, you need to  make sure to answer the following questions:

1. Why Calzowned?
2. What are you hoping to get out of WOW?
3. What are you hoping to get out of a guild?
4. How many hours per week to you normally play, and what nights?
5. What is your character’s role in raids?
6. What is your raid experience?
7. What is your feeling on pvp?
8. How old are you?

Thanks for your time and remember to  look into getting some gear and Help Us Help You.

Prepi

After an eventful past 6 months we have seen our family grow again with a rebuilding of sorts that has allowed us to continue to be the progression guild we have always been known for.  We are still casual in that we only raid two nights a week, but our efforts are not unnoticed as we have been moving forward since the release of new content.  We made steady progress into Ulduar where we stopped in to visit Yogg Saron and as you can see not exactly the blind date we had in mind. We were told that Yogg would be the girl of our dreams (If Girls Played WoW).  So we passed for now as we had just had lunch and didn’t want the image that Yogg had left in our heads to follow us the rest of the day.  How will we forget the worst blind date ever, I mean it reminds me of the time we caught Doctabrick hitting on that girl in Booty Bay after Brewfest. I mean hey, maybe girl meant (Guy In Real Life), but hey you can always take her home to meet grandma and play with the cat I guess.

Next our journey led us to the northern peaks of Ice Crown where someone thought it would be fun to have a tournament so nerds can rage and ride different kinds of animals all day.  Once there we found ourselves drawn to fight at the promise of getting to see to Val’kyr Twins.  First thing I thought was that the game had finally decided it was time to show a little girl on girl action.  I mean who else didn’t think these twins would be like Swedish twins. But to our dismay these two twins were not interested in having us just watch so we had to slap them around a bit and send them home sadder then we were.  After we had slapped the twins around we were visited by their pimp the Lich King. He goes on to let us in on the fact that someone was stupid enough to build this tourney on top of a WoW Roach motel and now we have to visit the manager.  So as we fall through the floor we see the water below and figure at least the landing will be soft.  That is until Sullanciri decides that Path of Frost would be cool, needless to say it wasn’t. In the words of Chutoi “That will cost you Karma”.  Don’t get me wrong I laughed my ass off, but really if you didn’t at least smile you must be dead.  Wait you all were hahaha.  Ok I am good.  When we finally got up and going again we found out that the manager of this Roach Motel was some guy named Anub’arak.  It took a couple of visits to exterminate this NY sized roach, but once again Calzowned showed that we are masochists who love punishment and we kind of know what we are doing.

We have now lived through the first week of a new patch and have started our journey into ICC.  ICC is like that old house up on the hill you should stay away from and you know it, but you just can’t so we ventured through the front doors unannounced and found out that we are in for a treat.  The fights here finally make it feel like raiding again.  I mean there is a little bit of trash here and there and we have to coordinate the pulls again and that is something we haven’t done in way to long.  Priests can use shackle again and man are pallys going to be OP in here with all this dead walking around.  So yes RuffoBrick will feel huge (when we don’t make him tank) and OMFG can you imaging having to hear Doctabrick say how leet he is in his LawLbringer gear (Because you know he has it in his bags).  Through some hard work and sleepless nights because all you hear in your dreams is “I’m on a spike god damn it, someone kill this thing” and “hahaha, spiked and in the fire, that is great.”  All of which will lead to Nas calling for a wipe and being the only one who was ready to die (unless of course you were DI’d on a GOD DAMN SPIKE) hahaha fun times will be had in here and I’m sure some of them will hurt the pocket book, so you should all feel free to FARM because its easy to make some money and get some gear to help us help you!!!

BREAKING NEWS

• Laok is sad that Locks got nerfed

• Nas is trying Boomkin (Somewhere God is laughing)

• My GF thinks that DoctaBrick is a Old Cat Lady

• Do some daily dungeons for repair gold and badge gear. (Help us, help you)

• Read forums (Mourn and Sull have some good info about upcoming fights)

• Congrats to the new Calzowned parents

• Welcome new recruits and members

PREPI

Seeing as how the last update here was from Black Temple, I think a frontpage update is in order. We’re as usual, plodding along through content, downing ToC25 consistently and easily enough in around 2 hours or less, and we’re starting to venture into Heroic 25 man content. Yogg is still a bit of a thorn in our side, but we’re still planning on yanking that one out in the near future.

Our main needs at the moment are for a few solid dps classes, ones that can reliably and consistently top 4k dps solo, and more so in raids. A healer or two wouldn’t hurt either, a geared resto shaman sure would be nice. Ulduar is for the most part off of our progression list, yogg aside, and gear level past Ulduar will be expected before earning a raid slot. We’re looking for players interesting in progressing at a steady pace, but we’re not hardcore – don’t join if you’re looking for five night a week raiding, you won’t find it here. If this sounds like a good fit to you, hit up our recruitment section in the forums to get in touch with the right people!

Finally, we are all awaiting 3.3 anxiously, and will be ready to start progression immediately upon it’s release. Till then, see you next time.

Costo

Yeah, so besides the actual release of Wrath and all the new content to explore, there’s not really much to say is there?  The raid content in Wrath so far has been quite easy.

We’ve had a few ups and downs since Wrath came out, but we’re still plodding along.  

The important thing is that we’re still here and still progressing!  We haven’t downed Sarth3D yet, but so goes.  We are however recruiting players to fill out our ranks as we prepare for Ulduar.  We are especially looking for healers of all flavors, but we are open to all mature, easy going players.

As a guild, we still have a few goals left before we are ready for Wrath.  We want to see some progression into Sunwell Plateau.  To that end, we need to open up and recruit a little bit.  If you are a solid player who still wants to do some raiding before the expac hits, the please hit us up!  We are open to solid players of all classes!

We are currently still clearing Black Temple, and are beginning work on Sunwell Plateau.  Message Bizzam or Gintora in game for more information!

Somewhere, deep in the bowels of the Blizzard Entertainment Command Bunker…

Blizzard Employbot #37: I hate to disturb you sir, but he’s back.
BRDE:mg (III): Who is, 37?
37: That mage sir, it’s an email this time.
BRDE:mg (III): Getting me demoted last time wasn’t enough? Pretend we never got it, throw it in the trash bin, 37.
37: I can’t sir, it’s got one of those “notify sender upon receipt” flags set.
BRDE:mg (III): Damn him, he’s thought of everything… <sighs> what is it this time?
37: Uhh, <gulps> well… it starts off with “NYAA NYAA NYAA NYAAAAAAGH NYAGH” and kind of gets worse from there.
BRDE:mg (III): Oh hell <clutches head>, the migraine’s coming back… what did they do this time?
37: Well, Illidan sir…, here, scan down past the, uh, what he calls “metaphoric/virtual pelvic thrusts”, to the part that says…

…my 4 year old son and I have been talking about your lack of ability to stop our guild from progressing past Illidan, the aforementioned being disdainfully surpassed this week. Despite prior attempts to encourage you to do so, you seem insufficient to the task of stopping Calzowned, so it seems more effort from our end is required… As such, please find enclosed a roadmap from my son on blocking our progress; failure to do so will result in future incursions into Sunwell Plateau, and the ongoing disregard (and subsequent metaphoric/virtual pelvic thrusting) concerning the quality and difficulty of content therein.

Dear Mr. Blizzard.

My name is Seth, and my Daddy says you guys need some help, so I watched the mean Calzowned people and made a list of some things you can do to make them stop.

#1 Daddy says the tank people aren’t very smart. He said they get hit in the head a lot, so it’s not really their fault, and that we should learn to like them for who they are. I like they’re not smart because it makes me feel smarter, except Mr. Menoch… he casts spells so he must be smart, but Mr. Bizzam, Mr. Throt, and Mr. Kenja all just stand there looking silly while things hit them, and that doesn’t seem smart. Daddy calls them tanks, and I was thinking that my tanks are all made of metal and stuff, so maybe you could drop some bombs on them, but then I was thinking that you need the bombs to fall from something, and then I thought of wasps. Wasps scare me, so I bet you could make Mr. Bizzam and Mr. Throt run away by flying wasps near them. But not Mr. Kenja ‘cuz he’s a bear, and bears like honey so they’re not afraid of bees, so he’s probably not afraid of wasps either. But maybe if the wasps drop bombs on them they would run away because bomb dropping wasps sure sound scary to me.

#2. My daddy shoots stuff out of his hands, (well her hands which is kind of complicated because he’s a she in world of warcraft but not over here). Sometimes daddy gets mad when a Hopkins makes more numbers than he does, so he yells at the screen which I don’t like. Could you make the Hopkins stop making big numbers so daddy will be happier (he also gets mad at warlocks, and then he says words that mommy says he shouldn’t, and that I’m not going to say until someday when I get mad at warlocks too). I think that the people making the numbers at Mr. Illidan wouldn’t be so bad if the tanks run away, but then I thought, that if someone were throwing numbers at me, I’d probably get so mad I would cry. So maybe Mr. Illidan could cry when the people making the numbers don’t stop (except my daddy, because the numbers make him happy so he plays with me more, but not tickling, because then I have to go to the bathroom. .. He can tickle my sister though).

Mr. Chutoi and Miss Gintora hit things with axes and stuff, and sometimes they hit things too hard, and the things gets mad at them, so maybe you could make Mr. Illidan get mad at them and the other people that hit him with things like Mr. Sajun and Mr. Interfishy-uns. I bet if he got really mad they would stop, and if they didn’t, he could hit them back and I bet it would hurt because he’s bigger than they are. When I’m bad, Mommy makes me go on timeout. I hate timeout, so maybe the best way to make people stop making numbers at Mr. Illidan is to make them go on timeout. On the other hand, Mr. Chutoi seems to make things plenty mad as it is, and then he has to take a nap, so maybe it’s okay the way it is.

#3 Sometimes there are the doctor people that make the other people feel better, except the warcraft people don’t use needles so I like them better. Mr. Celyis was telling a joke before that Mr. Illidan should squash the doctor people first, which wasn’t funny, but I thought maybe it was smarter because Mr. Illidan sure is trying hard to squash the Calzowned people, and the doctor people must make him really frustrated (like my sister when I’m mean and I sit on her). Mr. Blizzard, you should tell Mr. Illidan to get mad at the healer people, but I don’t think he has to get mad at Mr. Taio, because he always makes an angel and then takes a nap anyway.

Mr. Shinook shoots lightning at people, but his lightning makes people feel good. He shoots a lot of the good lightning, so you should squash him first (he doesn’t make angels, but sometimes he just stands back up after he lies down, which is kind of scary).

Mr. Quarantine and some of the other doctor people look like they’re kind of hard to smash though, because they have metal clothing like the tank people, and I bet the bombs wouldn’t scare them like the tanks because they have bubbles that would bounce the bombs away. Yesterday I had oatmeal, and the bowl was really hot, so I had to drop it… I bet if you put them in the Microwave they would have to take their metal clothes off because they would get hot, and then I bet Mr. Quarantine and Mr. Unfaythful and the others would look really silly standing there in just their underwear, and they’d be embarrassed and then run away after the tank people.

#37: Uh… it mostly degenerates into what seems to be a diatribe about ice cream, legos, and train sets after that sir.
BRDE:mg (III): <furiously taking notes> …bomb dropping wasps, time-outs, microwave the plate-wearers, squash healers first… got it…
#37: Sir?
BRDE:mg (III): Set up a meeting with the Raid Planning Committee, 37; tell them we have new and innovative raid encounter concepts to go over with them… oh, and 37?
#37 Yes?
BRDE:mg (III): Send a memo to the Head of External Affairs and tell him they’re going to have to do a lot better than paying off the shadowpriest’s niece to unplug his router next time…

(ok, not an ode, in fact, it barely qualifies as writing curse you…)

Why do you have plague us,
With parasites and such,
I’m trying to top some meters here,
This side thing’s just too much.

’specially Chutoi’s big cow butt,
A bovine behind’s a drag,
He gets half way to Afriel
oh man, he starts to lag!

but don’t worry my infected friends,
we’ve got you all but covered,
uh-oh Afriel just went kasploot,
‘cuz on her Gin had hovered.

And now what is it, oh it’s fire?
Original and new!
Don’t strain yourself you Blizzard folk,
With finding something to…

Burn our tanks and make them run,
in circles they are led,
A fireball just hit Taio’s toe,
oh big surprise, he’s dead.

Well if we’re going to have to wipe,
at least they had the grace,
To smash our tanks with lasers
that were fired from outerspace

But somehow we all stumble
into phase (I think it’s three?)
Oh good, look it’s more parasites,
Did they just hit a tree?

Ah heck, I think it’s Mourninstar,
A check and yep it’s true,
That last log was a disconnect
And now it’s up to you…

…all to run like hell! She’s gonna blow!
And spew bugs all around,
I guess it’s up to mages now,
To freeze them to the ground.

How did we get to this phase 4
I guess we’ll never know.
(it’s like a kind of torture,
to have to watch this show).

Hey that’s no Muppet over there
What’s warlock Stertly tanking?
A giant shadow Illidan,
that’s giving him a spanking!

I think it’s time to kick some butt,
hey what the heck, can’t move!
And now a demon heads this way
Uhh.. guys I think that you’ve…

…got to stop him ‘fore he gets here,
or he’ll turn me to a mess,
Why isn’t Hopkins shooting?
(Out of arrows is my guess…)

Now Throt has gone and done it,
what’s that resounding thunk?
He ran too close to Stertly,
Stormrage kicked him in the junk…

But hey, what’s this, thirty percent
surely, this cannot be?
We’ve found ourselves in last phase (five!)
And here I thought that we…

…had gone and wiped ourselves again,
oops, think I spoke too soon,
we tried to use that lousy trap,
and now this stupid goon…

…has squashed our tank, look now he’s free!
I watch my guildmates tumble,
we walked in with a swagger,
but it’s turned into a stumble.

I think that Bizzam jinxed us,
when he made that stupid bet,
but we’ll be back sometime next week,
and beat this bastard yet.